Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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