I heard we made out
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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