Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
