I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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