it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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