Only a mothe r could love this liver
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
