I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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