I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You were trust falling into bushes
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
