I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
