I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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