I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Text me some of your sweat
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
