he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
