i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She even gives head with a lisp.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
