guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i barfeds in our rink
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
