So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
