Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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