sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
