You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
