Kiss
Puke
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
