I'm gonna have a badass scar
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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