I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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