My sheets look like a crime scene.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Randomize
