I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
