Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
