I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
