Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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