Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
