my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
