Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
