i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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