Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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