Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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