hotel room ftw
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You were trust falling into bushes
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
