i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
