dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
