I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
This is my gift to your gina
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
