I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
