3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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