this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She's the barista slut.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He shit in the fireplace
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