dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
