Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
