On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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