Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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