Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
