DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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