We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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