He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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