i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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