I hate your face
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
are you so shy because you have an std?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
