Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
