Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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