I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
