Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
