I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
These tits shall not be calmed
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize