Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
